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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26035549">Wrong Necromancer</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThunderStag/pseuds/ThunderStag'>ThunderStag</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>TAZ in LOTR [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Adventure Zone (Podcast), The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Accidental summoning, Awesome Galadriel, Combat, Cursebreaking, Dealing with Saruman's Issues, Gen, Why Merle why</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 08:07:06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,687</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26035549</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThunderStag/pseuds/ThunderStag</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Check which unrealistically powerful necromancer you're summoning before you start pouring blood everywhere next time, guys. Gandalf's day has gone from bad to confusing. And complicated.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Barry Bluejeans/Lup, Galadriel | Artanis &amp; Lup, Gandalf | Mithrandir &amp; Saruman | Curunír</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>TAZ in LOTR [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2006140</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>50</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Wrong Necromancer</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>In an iron cage, bound and bloodied and beaten, Gandalf watched in exhausted horror. The Nine Ringwraiths had assembled as never before in his time in Middle Earth, and they were bending their awful might towards a purpose so foul and evil he could hardly stand to see it. But Olorin, Mithrandir, Gandalf, had not been sent to Middle Earth because he feared the Dark, and it would take more – far more – than the cruelty of Orcs and the cunning of corrupted men to make him falter. Not when the Enemy was so near.</p><p>The ring of Nazgul tightened, smokey forms wavering and boiling, and a scream of energy and hate rushed out of them. It seemed to reach forever into the distance, power and might and evil snarling at the world, before it latched onto something far beyond mortal reach and blazed with red fire. The fire bloomed into a circle, or an orb, and a shape distinct from the writhing flames took form in its center as if it were a great, terrible Eye –  </p><p>But the shape was not black; it was red. It was not the crowned shade of Sauron; it was a hooded skeleton, eyes a burning white and scythe held in one bone hand. As it stepped down the floating tunnel of fire, less an eye now and more a passageway, it cocked its head to the side and spoke a language Gandalf had never heard, even in Valinor. It tried again, in a few other languages – this one like rocks grinding against one another, this a bell-like chime that reminded him of the language of the Ainur. The next was guttural and harsh, and a few were not unlike Elvish, but at last the skeleton made a sign in the air that shimmered with power and said, "Is, uh, is this thing working?"</p><p>The Witch King flowed forward and said, "You are not the one we seek."</p><p>"Well, uh, no, I guess not, that spell you used was a doozy but it's a little unclear," the skeleton said. Its voice was surprisingly human. "Like, I think you said-" and its voice shifted into the unclean syllables of the Black Speech "the Necromancer, He who Masters Death, the Ringed One, which is, uh, not a horrible descriptor for someone, but I'm also a necromancer with a death thing and a ring, so, uh, I guess the net was a little wide, huh?"</p><p>The Nazgul stared for a long moment, but eventually the Witch King snarled, "Begone!" and slashed at the skeleton with his sword. It didn't work.</p><p>"Aw, geeze, bud, that's, uh, that's a pretty nasty sword there," the skeleton said, peering at the blade in its torso. "it's definitely cursed, right, which'd normally do okay with a Lich, but I'm technically holy, which is, y'know, a long story, but this kinda thing doesn't work so good on me. Look, I don't want to be that guy, but I really gotta get y'all cleaned up there, this is pretty much exactly what I'm here for." And it swept its scythe in a broad arc, a hole in reality Gandalf knew should have been cracking the universe to pieces opening up. From the hole, two more skeletons emerged: one was slimmer than the first, but otherwise identical, and the second was taller and wearing a ragged black robe and carrying a scythe. After a moment, all three cloaked themselves in flesh as if it were simple.</p><p>"This place reeks, Barry," the dark one said. He was dark-skinned and wore his hair in neat, coifed dreadlocks, his clothing beneath the robe unquestionably fine albeit of a style Gandalf was unfamiliar with. He was incredibly handsome. Beside him, the other newcomer was an elf of surpassing beauty, her hair an unlikely shade of green and her face pierced many times over. She was wearing something, but what it had been originally was unclear, as it was now shredded to pieces. She wore it well, as if it were armor for battle. The first skeleton was now a man of average height and looked not unlike a Hobbit, though his hair was short and his eyes more calculating than the easy-going Shire folk.</p><p>"Yeah, uh, sorry, Krav," the one named Barry said. "'s got some atmosphere problems, I guess. Lotta clouds. Lotta crows. Some weird messed-up Orc dudes, for some reason? I dunno, they didn't look much like any Orcs I've ever met."</p><p>"Somebody really went medieval gauche on this wreck, huh?" the Elf woman said. She kicked at a loose skull. "It's thematic, but really tacky." She turned to Gandalf. "And they locked up an angel, too! Man, these guys are really going for cliche."</p><p>"Let's show them what the Queen has to say, shall we?" the dark one, Krav, said. The other two hefted their scythes. The Nazgul started looking nervous.</p><p>The fight wasn't brief or pretty, and the odds were bad – as soon as the other Nazgul realized their weapons weren't working they started using works of Power, which was more effective and more destructive – if less dangerous than their more typical weapons, which in Gandalf's experience usually did the work for them – and things seemed almost evenly matched before Elrond, Galadriel, and Saruman arrived. The most powerful members of the White Council took in the chaos and the Nazgul throwing dark fire, generations-long curses, and pieces of scenery at the three former skeletons and seemed to grasp their role quickly. Galadriel stepped up to begin countering the greater workings of the Witch King, and Saruman and Elrond hurried up to Gandalf to begin untying him.</p><p>"What madness have you unleashed this time, old friend?" Saruman demanded. His expression was stormy and somewhat furious, but he worked at the ropes around Gandalf's wrists while Elrond tried to force the lock on the cage.</p><p>"It was no doing of mine, Saruman," Gandalf managed. "The Nazgul attempted to summon the Enemy, but made some error in their dark spell. They summoned that one there," and he pointed at Barry, "who was a speaking skeleton until the other two arrived. He seemed to think it was a mistake anyone could make."</p><p>"Not, uh, anyone," Barry said, having appeared immediately behind Elrond. The Elf Lord was too reserved to jump, but he did tense for his sword. "Sorry, couldn't help but overhear. I think a lot of low-level necromancers'd make that kinda mistake, but it's easy to work around if you're a little more experienced." He handed Elrond a small packet of something that turned out to be lock picks. "Here, I don't think that thing's giving any time soon." Then he turned to Saruman. "Hey, are you aware you're kinda cursed?"</p><p>All three of them stopped moving. "Excuse me?" said Saruman, face gone pale.</p><p>"Yeah, it's pretty subtle, but it's there. I'm lucky I rolled so high on Arcana or I wouldn't have noticed."</p><p>Ignoring this strange statement, Saruman delved deep into himself. It was an action only a Maia – and a Maia as wise and learned as Saruman, at that – could have taken, but he did, and when his eyes opened, he was paler still. He had stopped trying to untie Gandalf's hands, now, though Elrond had taken the picks in the spirit they were given and started working at the lock with some success. "How did this escape me?" he whispered, and Barry patted him on the shoulder. </p><p>"Hey, don't worry, bud, it happens to the best of us. I mean, Kravitz over there once convinced a buddy he was Pan and someone had to cut his arm off!" Nobody seemed to react to this, so he sighed and shook his head. "Look, you can do the classic 'work through all my decisions for the last few years to see where I went wrong' thing, and you probably should – though don't beat yourself up, bud, people make mistakes – but if y' like I can just kick it out right now no problem."</p><p>Saruman looked up at Barry, expression disbelieving and hopeful at once. "Is it possible? Can the curse of Morgoth be removed so easily?"</p><p>"Well, probably not like permanently or anything – I'd have to burn a Wish on that, and even then I'm not sure – but I can sure knock it out of you right now, no problem!" And Barry raised his hand, palm burning silver-white and black like the night sky. "This might sting, a little."</p><p>When the remaining combatants stopped covering their ears (three of the Nazgul were down and Galadriel had a fourth in a headlock, the female Lich kicking it in the stomach with her heavy-looking boots), Barry hauled himself out of the crater in the wall he was in and Saruman dug himself out from under the pile of rubble that had fallen on him. </p><p>"Oops," Barry said sheepishly. Twenty feet away, at Gandalf's cage, the doors finally sprung open, and he stumbled out, coughing. The blast had shaken dust from a thousand long journeys from his bones, and a lot of it seemed to have wound up in his lungs. It had also managed to close a lot of the wounds the Orcs had left him with over the last few days, so overall he thought it was an improvement.</p><p>"Let us join the fight, then," Gandalf suggested, and Elrond nodded, hefting his sword. He also drew Gandalf's from the sheath on his back, though where he had found it Gandalf could not say. After that, it wasn't too bad a fight; seven warriors, eight when Radagast arrived (though he was more useful in countering some of the Witch King's spells), against six remaining Nazgul was nothing like fair. At some point, Gandalf and Barry cornered the Witch King against a wall, only for him to laugh mockingly at them.</p><p>"No man can kill me, Gandalf the Grey!" he rasped in glee. "Or have you so easily forgotten the prophecy of Glorifindel?"</p><p>"I'm not a man, dude," the final Lich, who Barry had called Lup within Gandalf's hearing, said cheerfully. She didn't say it until her scythe was thrust most of the way through the Witch King's helm, which Gandalf had to approve of; it wouldn't do to be incautious. A single ring fell to the ground from his smoking form, and Gandalf tensed, ready to snatch it up to be smuggled to Mordor for destruction, but Lup cackled and said, "dibs!" Then she raised her hand and cast a spell that she had not cast so far, as far as Gandalf was aware. A teardrop of pure fire formed in her hand, and at her word it exploded out at the ring. When Gandalf could see again, there was a trench in the ground that went from a perfect semicircle to a rough, open scar lined in glass twenty feet long. The ring could not be seen.</p><p>"Ninth-level Evocation," Barry said fondly. His expression was love-struck and open. "Maybe six people on a hundred planes can cast it, and I'm not one of 'em. Guaranteed annihilation of anything it hits in a twenty-foot cone, and double damage if you're cursed or unholy or an aberration, like that thing was. I once watched an ancient Red take one of those to the torso and go down – although admittedly Taako had turned its wing into a donut at that point, so it was doin' pretty bad already."</p><p>Mop-up was relatively easy, after that. The other Nazgul were rounded up and dispatched, one caught in midair when Kravitz sprouted raven's wings to chase it into the sky, and Saruman's expression shifted as they fought from fury to enjoyment as he allowed to thrill of battle to carry away his anger at the way darkness had crept into his heart. Eventually, they had a pile of rings and eight people standing around them, thankfully only two capable of donning them and taking up Sauron's dark mission again. Neither looked very tempted.</p><p>"What actually were those things, anyway?" Kravitz asked. "I failed my arcana check, I'm afraid."</p><p>"I think they were kinda like us, if we were evil and needed rings and had no fashion sense," Lup replied. "We met this Lich, once – Barry, do you remember old Knife Face the Lich King?" Barry nodded, looking nostalgic. "Right, this Lich Knife Face the Lich King, real downer, totally bought into the whole 'crypt murder torture orphans' thing. He had a couple of these lesser Liches that did whatever he said, I think he somehow controlled them through their phylacteries. These suckers are a lot older than Knife Face's ones – he was kind of a little baby Lich, maybe eighty years old – and they're more efficient; I think those dudes couldn't have gotten phylacteries without whoever holds the key ring to this whole thing. Does anyone know where that is?"</p><p>"It has been lost for over two thousand years," Elrond said heavily. "A great king of Men cut it from its master's hand in a terrible battle, but when faced with the choice to destroy it he could not. So did the strength of Men fail, even on the day of their victory. When he took it away, followers of its master cut him down when he attempted to escape from them across a river. It fell and was lost. If luck follows it impossibly, it was washed into the sea, where Ulmo perhaps keeps it from mischief; if not, it remains in the river, waiting to be found by some servant of the Enemy or unfortunate innocent."</p><p>"I had begun to search for it, before you cleared my mind," Saruman said. "I found nothing like it, though some of the articles the King would have had were there. Is it possible to use the connection of these rings to find it and destroy it? Your arts are not like ours."</p><p>"Probably not, bud," Barry said. "This kinda power doesn't like letting other people have any kind of control over it. I'm sure the main ring can use fantasy Find My Friends on these ones, but it's probably not two-way or someone would have tried already."</p><p>"If, then, there is no way to use these rings for any form of good," Galadriel said, "we should destroy them now. Lup, you destroyed one; is it possible to destroy these in the same way?"</p><p>"Not really," Lup admitted. "I burned my only level nine on that other one earlier. I'm low on juice. Barry can't cast that spell, and Kravitz -"</p><p>"My talents are a lot more combat-oriented," Kravitz admitted. "If we could, we'd stick around long enough for Lup to recharge and reuse the spell, but our Lady calls for us; we have duties on our own Plane."</p><p>"Actually..." Lup said. "I bet I could teach one of you this kind of magic. Elrond, you look like you could handle it."</p><p>"My talents are unfortunately not for grand expressions of might," Elrond replied. "I express my strength through healing, and battle, and protection of my home."</p><p>"I have no desire to toy with power of that sort," Saruman said. "I strayed too close to it before; I will not open a pathway to my heart again."</p><p>"It interests me, but I am exhausted and have duties to attend to," Gandalf sighed. "Perhaps another time."</p><p>Everyone looked at Galadriel. "Yes, I believe I could learn it," she said. "Lup, how quickly could you teach me?"</p><p>"It's supposed to take nine hours and a lot of cash, but mama don't got time for that kinda nonsense," Lup said cheerfully. "I'll give you a crash course real quick and you should be able to figure out the rest. Barry, did you see their rings?"</p><p>Everybody tensed again, especially Saruman. "Which rings?" he asked, tone dangerous. Elrond and Gandalf glanced at each other, but Galadriel rolled her eyes. </p><p>"Which do you imagine, Saruman? Three elven-rings were hidden from Sauron during the War of the Rings, and all have been in use since; I hold one, and Elrond and Gandalf hold the other two." Saruman looked offended for a moment, but then sighed.</p><p>"I would object to so remarkable a secret being kept from me, but as we have seen I was not as clear-sighted as I believed. Can they also be cleansed?" he asked Barry, who winced.</p><p>"I can only do that one once per day," Barry said. "I'm not a cleric; I got that one on a bet. But I have a friend who can help out." He and Lup both turned to Kravitz, who looked between them before groaning and pinching the bridge of his nose. </p><p>"The rules exist for a reason, guys," he sighed. </p><p>"Yeah, so we can break them and look awesome doing it!" Lup said cheerfully.</p><p>"Ugh."<br/>
_-0-_</p><p>It took about twenty minutes of Lup talking Galadriel and Gandalf through some of the basic and not-so-basic spell theory of her world, but eventually Galadriel managed a small fireball of what Lup called a cantrip and Gandalf managed to set his robe on fire. She decided that that would be enough to be getting on with and stood up, walking over to where Kravitz was talking into a small stone that seemed to work more or less like a Palantir. </p><p>"Yes, my Lady."</p><p>"And have him drop by when he's done, he owes me some brownies," the stone said.</p><p>"I shudder to think, my Lady."</p><p>"Get going, Kravitz."</p><p>"Of course, my Lady." </p><p>He put the stone in his pocket and slashed his scythe through the air, opening another rift. The person who came out this time was nothing like the other two: he was a short old Dwarf, his hair in a messy bun and flowers strewn through his hair and beard, both of which were white. He wore socks, sandals, a kilt with pockets sewn on, and the loudest, brightest shirt Gandalf had ever seen. One arm was made of wood. He wore an eyepatch with an owl on it. He charged out of the portal, a thick book with a bright cover in his hands, and shouted, "Zone of Truth!"</p><p>Gandalf felt dice roll in his mind. When they said twenty-eight, he didn't say anything, but Saruman abruptly said, "I've been smuggling pipe-weed out of the Shire for two hundred and six years, Gandalf." Everybody turned to stare at him. "You made me try it that one time and I couldn't stop once you left. I started making trips out there myself to buy some, and when I got busy I hired people to buy it for me." He looked slightly horrified. "My favorite kind is Longbottom Leaf, but I think the family has gotten complacent in the last few years, because the quality has gone down." Mercifully, he managed to close his mouth. </p><p>"What was that?" Gandalf demanded of the Dwarf. To his surprise, the little old creature was standing in a circle of light, the stones beneath his feet blasted clean of centuries of filth and little flowers blooming around him.</p><p>"Did you...did you just cast Zone of Truth as a ninth level spell, Merle?" Kravitz demanded, looking appalled.</p><p>"I thought you guys were in trouble!" the Dwarf whined, looking only a little sheepish.</p><p>"You cast Zone of Truth as a ninth level spell in case we were in trouble?" Kravitz demanded. "You have Sacred Flame, Merle! You have Gate for some reason! Why did you cast ZONE OF TRUTH?"</p><p>"'s what he does, bud," Barry said. "He cast Zone of Truth on a dragon one time. It helped, for some reason." He bumped fists with the dwarf, aiming for the wooden hand. "How're you doin', buddy?"</p><p>"Ah, fine," Merle said cheerfully. He seemed not to notice the effect on the stones, which was spreading like a puddle. A bluebird landed on his head. "I was just tryin' to teach those dang kids how to tie a knot, so this is better."</p><p>"Those dang kids whose parents pay you to teach their kids how to survive in a cruel, uncaring world, Merle?" Lup asked, looking amused. </p><p>“Those’re the ones! I think the squirt’s got ‘em, anyway.”</p><p>“I’m strangely comforted by that, actually,” Kravitz said. “Look, folks, we need to get going pretty quick. Merle, I hope you’ve got a couple of spell slots good to go, we’ve got a bunch of cursed rings we need cleansed by Greater Restoration.”</p><p>“Sure, no problem!” Merle said, rubbing his hands together. “Show me the doo-dads. Should we get one of Lucretia’s lead ball things in here or anything?”</p><p>“Those were a sham, bud,” Lup said. “I know there was a lot going on at the time, but I’m pretty sure Angus mentioned that to you guys when he found us in Creesh’s trap thing.”</p><p>“Oh,” said Merle. He didn’t say anything for a minute. “I’ve been using it to get rid of contraband when I’m on the moon.” The three skeleton Lich things all stared at Merle for a long moment.</p><p>“Does…that mean there’s a new Relic made of weird potions and your gardening magazines, Merle?” Barry asked carefully.</p><p>“How should I know?”</p><p>“The rings, please, you guys,” Kravitz begged. “We’re so behind, there are half a dozen weird cults to break up today.”</p><p>“Oh, fine,” Merle grumbled. “Work, work, work, never a social call, always with the magic.” He waddled over to Galadriel and looked up at her. ”You have one of these rings, right?”</p><p>“I do,” Galadriel said. “I would advise caution, however. This ring was created by a very mighty smith, but he was guided by an evil will. No malice touched these three rings, but the touch of the enemy is in the very craft they represent.”</p><p>“No problemo, lady!” Merle boasted, and took the ring when she removed it from her finger. He held it before his single eye, looked it over carefully, sniffed it, and then opened his book. He began to glow with the same holy light as when he had cast Zone of Truth. The ring began to glow with an adamant light, as well, and chimed brilliantly against the wooden hand, before a blast of energy overtook Merle and Galadriel both. When it faded, the ring was unchanged, but a new circle of plants had grown up around them both. Galadriel blinked and shook her head.</p><p>“…unusual,” she said, and would say nothing more until Elrond drew out his own ring and handed it to Merle. The same happened, except that the light was the same sapphire as the ring’s stone, and this time Elrond found himself standing in a cloud of slowly drifting mist. He coughed, but took the ring back. Finally, Gandalf handed his ring over and stepped up to Merle’s side.</p><p>From this angle, the Dwarf was even less impressive to look at. He was beginning to go bald, though it was hard to tell around the flyaway hair and general unkemptness. His eyepatch was strange, made of unfamiliar leather, and there were a truly amazing number of flowers in his hair and beard. But his eyes were serious as he took Narya, and beneath the unkempt air he was as scarred and worn as many warriors Gandalf had met. He was reminded that Merle had initially assumed that the Liches were under attack, and acted accordingly (if unusually) to defend his friends. There was more to this Dwarf than met the eye – a concept Gandalf could appreciate.</p><p>“Runnin’ low on fifth-levels,” Merle muttered, flipping through his book. “Gonna have to ramp it up a little.” He looked up at Gandalf. “This might get loud,” he warned, and slammed the book shut. Then he took the ring and closed his eyes. </p><p>As before, Merle and the ring glowed – this time with light the color of Narya’s ruby – and the light flashed outwards, consuming Gandalf in its radiance. For a single instant, he heard the song that was the Universe, Arda, and Time: the voice of Eru and all the Ainur, singing together before the beginning. Then heat and fire, the sort that promised creation and warmth rather than death and pain: the inherent might of the Ring of Fire. When it passed, Gandalf felt shaken, as if he had been brough before Eru Himself for an instant, but he shook his head and looked down at Merle. The little Dwarf looked a little ruffled, but then, he had before this as well. Rolling his shoulders, he looked around and said, “Anything else, or can we go?”</p><p>“You were all for coming here five minutes ago, Merle!” Lup exclaimed. </p><p>Merle rolled his eyes. “Yeah, but these weird rings sang to me! I like my singing in the shower and at the voidfish, thank you very much.” He glanced at Gandalf. “Don’t get me wrong, it was a pretty good song. Little pitchy, maybe, but okay in my book.” Over his shoulder, Lup mouthed, he’s tone-deaf. Gandalf found himself smiling.</p><p>“Thank you for your assistance today, my friends,” he said. “I cannot say that I came here expecting to make new friends, deny the return of Sauron for a while longer, or free the tortured souls bound to those rings, but as the Hobbits say, never look a gift horse in the mouth!”</p><p>“I thank you as well,” Saruman said, more humbly than Gandalf had heard in many ages. Curunir was not generally given to displays of humility. “Had you not freed me, I might have labored in the Enemy’s service for many ages, or even assisted him in retrieving his Ring. Though I cannot say I appreciate your spell upon us, Merle.”</p><p>“Everyone’s a critic,” Merle grumbled. Kravitz dropped his head into his hands. </p><p>“I know you have places to be, but we both offer our thanks as well,” Galadriel said, stepping forward and indicating herself and Elrond. “Lup, I thank you especially for your tutelage and your recommendations. These steel-toed boots sound very interesting to me, though I think I will keep my hair the way it is for now.” Elrond didn’t speak; he just bowed, and when he started to offer the picks back to Barry the Lich made a subtle keep it gesture. They disappeared into the Elf Lord’s pocket. Galadriel added, “If every you come to the forest of Lothlorien, I would welcome you with open arms – and your brother as well, Lup. His tacos sound intriguing.”</p><p>“You gotta thank Joaquin for that, my dude,” Lup said cheerfully. </p><p>Kravitz clapped his hands and turned back into a skeleton, politely not noticing when the other group jumped in surprise. “Now we need to go, folks, before we get yanked into a war or something. Best of luck, don’t call us we’ll call you, and please don’t create a situation where we have to call you, let’s go.”</p><p>“Wait, I just had one more thing –“ Kravitz hauled the protesting Lup through the portal, Merle slapped a pamphlet into Radagast’s hand and ran after them, and the whole strange group disappeared except for seven raven’s feathers lying on the ground where they had been and an increasingly large patch of greenery dappling the worn stones. </p><p>“I believe that we should also leave,” Gandalf said, and the other council members turned for the door. “Out of curiosity, how did you get here so quickly?”</p><p>“Thranduil was kind enough to lend us a few moose,” Galadriel said with great dignity. She had gathered up the rings of Men into a small bag. Gandalf glanced at Elrond, eyebrow raised.</p><p>“We snuck in, bribed the moose with carrots, and left before he could sober up enough to notice us,” Elrond supplied. Gandalf nodded. </p><p>“As I expected. As I would do, in fact.”</p><p>“Gandalf,” Radagast called from over by his sled. He didn’t seem to be getting ready to leave on it just yet. Gandalf turned. “What exactly is a ‘Panphlet,’ and should I be worried about this page on onion anatomy?”</p><p>Gandalf and Saruman glanced in horror at each other. “Not it,” they said at the same time, and hurried for the moose.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>So, I was extremely bored at work and this occurred to me. The idea was basically that a) throwing TAZ characters into the High Fantasy world of LOTR is almost always hilarious and b) the Nazgul are pretty much exactly, down to the letter, what the Reaper Trio are built to fight. Granted Krav didn't take on the Lich twins in Wonderland, but he was solo and didn't have a necromancy expert like Barry or Lup on hand to help in firepower or in dealing with whatever necromancy stuff the twins could dish out. Plus the Nazgul wouldn't have been prepared to deal with the Reapers, plus Lup is neither human nor a dude and is therefore super duper the Witch King's weakness, plus the White Council showed up, and so on. And they aren't real liches at all, anyway; they're at best empowered ghosts via Sauron. Heinously powerful by local standards, obviously, but not on the level of a powerful, highly experienced lich like Barry or Lup.</p><p>Anyway, that's the justification. This isn't part of the same universe as Unheeded Want, but it follows a similar theme, so take that as you will.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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